Be Thankful for the Journey

Often this time of year, we see people mentioning on social media the things that they are thankful for. And it’s a common tradition for families to go around the table and share what they are thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner. We’re thankful for the good things, the people around us, the blessings that occur in our lives, the houses we live in, the opportunities we’re given, the things we achieve and rewards we receive. And deservedly so!  Its important to give thanks for everything we’ve been given in life, the families and friends we have, and the resources we have as we are fortunate to live in a country as great as this with so much to offer, even though it may not seem like it at times.  I am especially grateful for all those aspects in my life and the things I’ve been given.

But perhaps more so, I am thankful for the tough times – the failures, trials and tribulations that I encounter from day to day. Those things that bring out the blood, sweat and tears in our lives. You might be reading this and say “What?  What’s he talking about? Why should we be thankful for the bad things?”  Well, its not that I am thankful for the disasters, problems, and suffering in this world and the problems endured by myself, my family and my friends; no one wants to see that or experience those issues. But these things happen in life, and I am thankful for the good that comes from the bad - the personal growth that occurs as a result, and the clarity of thought, character and blessings that comes about. I have never encountered a trial, nor witnessed one, that has not resulted in some sort of blessing either for those involved, or for those witnessing from afar. Yes, I am thankful for the times when I have screwed up. I am thankful for when I have made mistakes and failed, because it has been in those times when I have learned the most and grown the most as an individual. It’s at these times where I have learned invaluable lessons that have kept me humble and have allowed me to grow as a person, a father, and a husband. I'm thankful for those times when I haven't been the person I aim to be, because its those times where I've grown the most to become the person I need to be. Believe me, I don’t want to make mistakes, but I am thankful for what comes out of them.

The last couple years have presented a few trials for me and my family. Nothing major in the grand scheme of things, and to someone else, they might seem minor in comparison. But to us they were significant and were things you just don’t want to go through as a person and as a family. Speaking for myself, these trials really made me look at myself and who I was as a person and who I strive to be. Looking back, they were the best things to happen to us, and have lead to many blessings, good experiences and positive relationships that we have encountered this year as a result. I am so thankful for the result, the blessings that have occurred and what I’ve been given. But I am more thankful for the journey - the perspective and character that has been instilled in us and the patience and integrity we had to maintain. Problems come and go, but character lasts a lifetime and as our journey continues, we are better prepared to handle the trials and successes that we’re sure to encounter down the road.  Without the journey, without the hurdles to build that character, we often revert to our old ways, and our same mistakes. So I’m thankful for the journey.

When we look at the world, our problems often seem trivial. Wars like we have in the Middle East, the natural disasters like the Typhoon in the Philippines, and the poverty and suffering in places like Haiti, it is all so overwhelming and nearly impossible to be thankful. Suffering, fighting, and poverty is everywhere, and we’re not immune to it. It happens right next door, with our neighbors. When we’re encountered with trials that result in illness, injury or losses of life to innocent people with no apparent reason, it is hard to be thankful. How can we be thankful for the suffering that occurs right here at home, the sickness or death of a loved one, or things that occurred this year like the Boston bombings and the loss of innocent lives during what was supposed to be a joyous occasion?

We need to be thankful for the good that it brings out in us, in our relationships, and the good it brings out in humanity by inspiring us to be better.  None of that can fix what happened, or take the suffering away, but it helps you to realize what you already have and how blessed you are, bring you closer to the people in your life, and perhaps help someone else down the road as a result. Below is what I wrote back in April while reflecting on the bombings, and it applies to my thoughts today:

“We can’t comprehend why. There is no reason that will justify why this occurred. We’ll never understand why for this, or for times like Newtown, Conn. My inspiration in times like this, amongst all the carnage, are the helpers, the good people, and the genuine care for people. It wasn’t the inspiration I was expecting to see yesterday, but maybe the inspiration I needed to see as graphic as things were. Because while there was a bad person or group at work yesterday, there were a half million good people along that route out there for the joy and when things went bad, willing to help. That’s the perspective we need to look at this from, and I wish it didn’t take event like this for the best to come out in people, but it’s during these times that I’m glad it does.”

Sometimes it takes a tragedy for the best to come out. Sometimes it takes a stumble for us to notice a blessing in our path. Sometimes it takes political strife and disagreements to revolutionize and bring about change. Sometimes illnesses, injury, or tragedies occur and the result is a healed relationship, a new perspective on life, or a positive impact on a neighbor in need. Sometimes we need to be humbled so that we can be of greater benefit to society and the less fortunate. So my prayer this Thanksgiving is that we not only be thankful for the good things in life, but also be thankful for the tough times we encounter, be thankful for the journey and what it yields. Because it is only through the struggle and hurdles of the journey that the truly good things in life occur. Always has been. Always will be.

It's Not About You, It's About Them

As I’ve been continuing on my journey the last couple months with That Man is You and my men’s retreat group, a concept keeps revealing itself in our discussions that when it comes down to it, really reflects what life is about - It’s not about you, it’s about them. This phrase is so simple, but so powerful. Over and over in our discussions, whether its about our families, in our businesses with our employees, colleagues, our customers, or the stranger on the street – the discussions seem to always circle back to the central idea of how we treat others and what our motivations in life should really be about. We are often focused on ourselves and what we want, being fulfilled, being happy, and what it takes to make us happy. We all want to be successful, live happy lives, have things, and provide things for our families that maybe we didn’t have growing up. We keep searching for that happiness, that nirvana that will make life complete, and the more we look for it, the more elusive it is. It’s only through others that we can truly find any bit of happiness and fulfillment in this life, and it’s only through others that we will find the way to the next life. This is a message that I am really only now beginning to discover, and grasp. It’s not about me, it’s about them. All of them. Everyone but myself. It’s about living my life for my wife, for my son, for our families, for our friends, for our community, and for our world. Living my life for God. It’s only through living our lives for serving others where we will understand true happiness in life and true fulfillment. And I don’t mean doing something to get a good feeling or expect a reward in return. It’s doing without expecting anything in return, for the sheer joy of helping people, improving the lives of others, and lending a hand to your sister or brother, and having a person’s back without thought of your own – even if that means a personal sacrifice.

I’ve been wanting to blog about this for a while, but was waiting for the right time and circumstance to write it.  With Veteran’s Day tomorrow, I got to thinking about our men and women who have fought and died for this country, who have fought and died for people other than themselves, for our freedoms, and their bothers and sisters on the battlefields along side them. It got me thinking about one of my favorite vets – Kristy’s grandfather, George Maniez. I first met Grandpa in 1998, not too long after Kristy and I started dating. I’ll never forget when I first saw him, sitting at a table wearing a blue windbreaker suit in the basement of Kristy’s uncle’s house for her uncle George’s birthday party. He was the first one of Kristy’s family I really talked to and got to know, and I remember it was March Madness time, so we talked about college basketball. He was a big sports fan, as he was always watching the Tigers, Lions, Pistons, or that other team Up North…J Over the years, when in town, we always made a point to go and visit Grandma and Grandpa, and they would always talk about the same things, tell us the same stories every time, of course while discussing whether or not the Tigers or Lions could finally do something that season.  But there was one day when we heard a different story; one day when Grandpa shared something he had never told anyone else.

Grandpa was a member of what many call the Greatest Generation. He grew up during the depression and then served our country in World War II in Europe. It was a nice summer day, and Kristy and I were sitting with him outside his garage talking about his garden and the weather (the man always had the best looking garden!). All of a sudden, he started talking about the war. He wasn’t a part of the initial Normandy invasion, but he was among the waves of troops that landed on the beaches over the next couple days after D-Day. He started talking about his company’s trek through occupied France, and their encounters with German troops. Many of you have seen pictures of soldiers hiding behind dead cattle during a firefight – well, Grandpa lived it. He talked about living day and night in foxholes, under enemy fire and being so scared his knees were shaking that he could barely stand. He said people today don’t understand what fear is.  He said at that moment, you’re not thinking about your country, the people at home, or the mission of the war – all you care about is keeping yourself and your fellow soldiers, your brothers around you, alive. And sometimes, to do the latter, you have to sacrifice the former.

Fortunately Grandpa did not have to give it all, but he gave some. He talked about Operation Market Garden where there were literally thousands of airplanes and paratroopers were in the air, and how the sight and sound of the planes overhead was unbelievable. And then he talked about how one day, during a firefight, he was shot in the arm, and the thing he remembered was how hot the bullet was, and then how he pulled it out of his arm. It was obviously a day and a time he would never forget, and like many other war veterans, he never did forget what he experienced. After being shot, Grandpa recovered and then worked at German POW camps for the remainder of the war, where he recalled that the Germans were treated very well and were just like everyone else caught up in this awful mess. And he even mentioned “the Germans give a really good haircut!”

A couple other times in the following years Grandpa talked to Kristy and I about the war, and at one point, Kristy and I were talking with her uncle about how many times he has heard these stories, and he said “Never!”  For some reason, Grandpa felt at ease talking to Kristy and I, and told us some things he never told anyone else. I feel extremely honored to have held his confidence where he felt comfortable telling us these stories, and feel privileged to have heard these stories from someone who was there, so that I can continue to pass them down as the years go by. But one thing sticks out – the trust and love that soldiers have for one another, and the sacrifices they make for all of us here at home, whether it was during the Revolution, World War II, Vietnam, or in Iraq/Afghanistan.  When it all comes down to it – it’s not about themselves, its about their brothers and sisters in arms, and anyone of our vets, our soldiers, would sacrifice themselves for their fellow soldiers at the time of need.

Grandpa passed away after a long hard life in 2008, six months before Joseph was born. I would have loved for the two of them to have met as I know they would have loved each other. I think as I look at my own life, and how I can leave my legacy and my fingerprint on humanity, I can take some lessons from Grandpa in how I live my life and serve my family. Was he perfect? No. He had some quirks and did some things that drove people nuts. But he, as so many in that generation did, sacrificed so much, and endured so much for their families, for their loved ones, and for their friends. What we are facing today is so much different because the majority of us still have the things we need and most of what we want, no matter what the current financial crisis is or how many wars we fight. The times have changed and our country provides a lot. But we also have many different challenges associated with this world, with technology, money and power, which have poisoned our society, and have lead to a self-centered, “it’s all about me, I can do whatever I want” culture. We need to learn from our past. Not only what not to do, but things that maybe we should do and should start doing again. We need to learn from others, learn what true sacrifice is, and remember that the world is not about you, its about them. And that by living your life for the lives of others, whether it be in business, on the battlefield, or in the home, we may not always be happy, but we’ll always live a life of fulfillment. It starts with you, but it ends with them - our spouses, our sons and daughters, our communities, and yes our band of brothers. By serving others we fulfill our purpose. 

I’d like to express a special thanks and gratitude to our Veterans on this Veterans Day, and pray that we all remember those who have sacrificed for the welfare of others and have served our country so that we all can enjoy the freedoms and blessings that our present in our lives. God Bless.

Trying to Beat the Light

You see it everyday. You’re at a stoplight, waiting to turn left, or simply proceed through and finally your light turns green. Except that, cars from the crossing street continue to make that last push through the light. One, two, three, sometimes even four cars – aiming to not get stopped at that light, proceed through the intersection even when your light has been green for many seconds. You wait patiently until all cars trail through and the coast is clear, and then you proceed. I see this quite often throughout my travels around town. And while I have been guilty of going through the intersection through a late yellow light changing to red on occasion, and even the split second after it has turned red so I could clear the intersection when turning left, it continues to amaze me how often I see multiple cars sneak through that intersection after that light has turned red. Seeing this has not only become a pet peeve of mine, but also made me think about how that applies to life. Can they be in that much of a hurry? Are they that impatient to sit through the light? Where do they need to be so fast? How can they be so careless?

I think this speaks a lot for the frantic pace of this world and our society. I think this serves as a metaphor for how many of us live our lives, including myself at times. So I thought I'd write a post and use it as a parable.  I used to get so frustrated in traffic, I hated to be stopped. Maybe its because I have a much shorter commute now, but I also have started looking at the world from a different perspective. It all seems so trivial. We are always on the go, always trying to speed through life. I was as guilty of this as anyone. We don’t want to stop, don’t want to be slowed down, good Lord if I have to sit at this light, what am I going to do with myself for that couple of minutes?  I mean, I’ve already checked my texts while driving, right?  Unfortunately, I’m not joking about this. The pace of this world, our never-ending break from technology, social media, and news causes us to rush through life at a hurried pace, always trying to move onto the next thing, and not slow down to enjoy the small things. Gotta make that light, and save that couple of minutes because at the end of the day, those minutes add up and right?  And I’m going to get to work two minutes faster.  What does that two minutes get you at the end of the day?  Is that stress worth the two extra minutes? Do you turn that two minutes into something special, or is it wasted?  Or, perhaps we need to look at the two minutes that we lost, being able to sit at that light, and think about whatever, and listen. Just to take a time out and be patient.

Have you ever turned off the radio while you drive? Listening to the sound of the car, the traffic, and the silence. It makes you uneasy, and impatient at first. We get so uncomfortable when we’re not doing something, and not going somewhere, or when we have to sit in silence. So often we always have to be on the go. But when you have that time to yourself, even a couple minutes in silence, you begin to gain a different perspective, and you start to think about things, and listen to yourself, listen your thoughts. And with all the nonsense on the radio most of the time, it keeps that negative content from entering your mind. I don’t expect you to never listen to the radio in the car, I love hearing the music or a good discussion at times. But sometimes it’s just nice to have the silence. It’s amazing what you’ll hear. This is something I’ve started to do from time to time, and its amazing how much you can learn on a 12 minute commute to work. This just isn’t in the car, but also life in general.

When you look at it from a life perspective, we all have the intersections in our lives, those everyday events, those people we meet, and those relationships we build. Do we blow through them like we do that stoplight? Not wanting to yield, not wanting to slow down and stop and embrace the opportunity in front of you, to enjoy the time with the people closest to you, or to simply stop and listen to what God or your conscience maybe is wanting to tell you?  Do we take our families for granted, get caught up in our daily craziness, and miss out on those occasions to simply talk with our spouse and kids, and get their take on life? Do you take time as a family, to be thankful for the things you’ve been given, the opportunities, and the trials that have brought you closer together?  Its very hard to do this in today's world, to slow down and listen from time to time.

We all have those stoplights in our live, both literally and figuratively. And in each scenario, how we handle them can have lasting effects in our life and in the lives of others. Do we get greedy, and impatient, and speed through endangering the livelihood of ourselves and others? Why do we need to be in that big of a hurry? Do we just continue to live in chaos, and blow through those times only to wonder what happened? And do we fail to see the signs, listen to the warnings, and slow down, and stop, and fail to take time out, wait for the traffic in our lives to cross, and then continue on our path of life? We need that foundation, that structure in our lives, much like a network of roads and stoplights that keep us on track, and keep our lives in order.

Life is going to throw you stoplights throughout your time here on Earth. It may sound cliché, but I really see a parallel here. Sometimes we just need to slow down, look out, and stop for something ahead. It could be a trial in life, a storm, or something good that you need to embrace and enjoy, something that you otherwise would have missed. If we fly by through life though, always worrying about how busy we are, where we have to be, the things we have to do, and not focusing on what’s important, and try to beat those red lights in our lives, we'll not only potentially miss out on something great, but you also run the risk of being stopped in our tracks and learning the hard way.

Life does not have to be chaotic and out of control. We don’t have to be in a hurry. We can still have our families, belong to groups, be involved in lots of activities, travel and see the world, have a great career, serve the community and the needs of others. All of that makes us a better person. We just need to have a broader focus on what is important, doing what’s right, and realizing that if any one of those things are taken away, you are still you and your life goes on, and rely on the relationships you’ve built, the family you have and your spiritual beliefs or conscience to see it through. We just need to look for the signs, look for those stoplights that tell us to slow down, take a break and listen for the lesson to be learned, the experience to be had, and to embrace the people you meet along the way. And remember when out on the roads; think twice before you try to beat that light, because someone else may not be.

Enjoy the View!

I was running on the mixed sand and gravel trail, winding through the rolling sand dunes and forest out towards Little Sable Lighthouse. It was a partly cloudy day, one of those days where you have a brilliant blue sky mixed with gray and white clouds. As I approached the lighthouse, I saw a trailhead on the right leading out into the rugged dune country. I decided to run on this trail for a while, so I banked right and headed out on the Lighthouse Trail. This trail was running up and over dunes, sandy ridges, through mixed grass, shrub and small pine trees. I ran back for about a half mile and ran to the top of what appeared to be the highest dune around.  It was hot back there, and running through the sand up the dune was strenuous and exhilarating at the same time. When I got to the top, I had a 360 degree view of the park, Little Sable Lighthouse was barely visible in the distance, and Lake Michigan was the background. It was a stunning panorama of beauty, and at the top of that dune, I could not hear a sound. There was no wind. I was too far from the shore to hear the waves. There were no animals, bugs, or birds. Silence. Not a soul in sight. It was the first time I had witnessed that type of silence, and quite strange to hear nothing, especially near water in a state park. I stood there for fifteen to twenty minutes taking in the scene, turning around looking at the water, then the forest in the distance on the other side of me, thinking how beautiful it was out there and still could not believe the silence. I felt like I could literally hear my heartbeat, the air move in and out of my lungs.  It was hot out there in the sand away from the water, I was sweating and out of breath from my run and the dune climb. But I felt awesome! And I had never felt more alive!

My mind flashed back to December 20, 1998… A day that was one of those life-defining, character building events of your life.

Kristy and I were heading back to the Detroit area after spending the weekend at Mom and Dad's in Ohio. We were going to Eastern Michigan at the time. It was a cold, overcast day, and the temperature hovering right around freezing with a slight drizzle in the air. We were driving north on US-127 near Jackson, MI heading to I-94 to make the swing over to Ann Arbor-Ypsilanti. The roads had been in fine condition the entire trip up to this point, and we had about an hour left in our trip. We had just reached the point where US-127 turns into freeway as you are entering Jackson, so I was going about 70mph in my small Ford Ranger pickup. Kristy was relaxed in the seat, taking a nap. At the time, the roads seemed fine, traffic was moving, and I was just enjoying the drive, listening to the radio.

As I drove over the Page Avenue overpass, something didn't feel right. Before I could think, the back end of my pickup started to slide out from behind me to the right, then pulling out of that skid, the truck began to slide to the left. As we hit the inside guardrail of the bridge on the driver side front fender, the airbag deployed slapping me in the face, and pinning me into the seat and headrest. The impact then caused the backend to slide out again to the right. This time as the truck was sliding across the bridge, we must have hit dry pavement, a bump, or something that caused the truck to go airborne. At this point, I remember tumbling in mid-air, not touching the ground until the truck landed on the driver side, slid, and then flipped over on our wheels in the grassy median, parallel to the road and away from the bridge. It sounds cliché, but time was in slow motion as we were tumbling, and I remember every detail. I remember thinking, "this isn't good, and told Kristy to hold on...", but one thing I will never forget was an eerie calmness throughout the whole thing. I can remember it as if it were yesterday.  When we came to rest, I saw smoke coming from the steering wheel, a deflated airbag on my lap, and a bewildered look on Kristy's face. I had pushed the mangled door open and was over to the other side getting Kristy out before she had any time to react. We got out of the truck, saw our clothes, bags, a tray of cookies and other goodies Mom had given us scattered throughout the vehicle and the median. In surveying the scene, it is truly amazing we came down where we did, rather than off the bridge to the road below, or down the steep embankment on the other side. A car with another young couple stopped to help, thinking they would see horrible injuries or worse, only to find us shaken, and untouched, except for some bruises and aches that would show up in the days following. They let us sit in their car, use their cellphone, and took care of us until help arrived. Black ice was forming all over the highway, and we witnessed numerous other close calls out there while waiting for the police, but none like what we had just been through. 

Ten years prior to our accident, my brother Jay passed away in a car accident in California in 1988. Unfortunately, when my brother died, I was only 11 and really never got to know him that well. I've not told this story to many, but that day of our accident, we stopped by the cemetery in Pioneer to see Jay before we headed up to Michigan. It was something I didn't normally do, and as a matter of fact I had never stopped to see him on my own prior to that day. But on that day, I felt the need to stop with Kristy to see him, as since we had really just started dating, I wanted to share that part of my life and family. I simply felt the need, so we stopped there on a whim before we headed out of town, and I said a prayer for my brother. When we were flipping through the air an hour or so later, I experienced a feeling that I cannot explain adequately with words – one of extreme fear and utter helplessness knowing that the truck was totally out of my control and thinking that this was it. We were flipping in a pickup truck on an overpass at 70 mph. That’s not good odds. But at the same time, I also had an intense, warm feeling of calm and something telling me, “Everything will be all right. Don’t worry, Joe. Everything will be OK.” I truly felt that we were being guided to safety.

A few years our accident, my other brother Steve and his family were in an accident not far from Mom and Dad’s. Steve was banged up, the kids shaken, and my sister-in-law Candy was seriously injured and paralyzed as a result, changing her life, my brothers, and their two kids lives forever. Three sons. Three different accidents. Three different results. It must have been a nightmare those three times over years for Mom and Dad, as now having a son, I can appreciate the love you have for a child.

Back to the top of that dune, overlooking the lake, I was thinking about these experiences, these defining moments in my life when something happened without notice – an accident where we should have not walked away, lives changed in an instant, a life lost in a second– with no warning, no explanation. What was the reason for all this? Why do things like this happen?  What can we learn from thee events?

You don’t know the moment when things happen in your life, when you hit those patches of black ice, the unforeseen events that can change your life in an instant, or when you or someone close to you may be gone. You can make plans, and think you have things under control, think you know it all, and that you have it all figured out. You can build wealth, have all the material things of this world, live a fast paced life, and take your loved ones for granted. Life gets so fast; you drive by at 70 mph, and in the blink of an eye, things can change and be gone.

It’s about the little things. Playing ball out in the backyard with your child, the leaves changing in the fall, the bonfire with neighbors out in the cul-de-sac on a crisp night.  Lightning bugs in the summer. Building relationships with people, spending every moment you can with your family and friends. Those early morning conversations with your son, those teaching moments…  And those walks on the beach with your wife, sitting down to enjoy the sunset with a bottle of wine. An event can be life-changing, but a single event does not define you. It’s the little things that define you, the little things that make you who you are, the little things that make the difference. It’s how you live your life when no-ones watching, taking time to embrace the people and the things around you.

Standing upon that dune, looking out at Lake Michigan - thinking about these memories, these life-changing events, my family. The bad things that happen in your life are also those events that build your character, your strength, and your faith and love in others. Those storm clouds that appear in your life truly do have silver linings, with brilliant blue sky behind them and calm waters on the horizon. And the beacon of light in the distance will always be there, guiding you to safety. In the silence, looking at the brilliant clouds and blue sky, that great lake on the horizon, and the lighthouse in view, I heard the most important lesson.

You don’t know when it will end. You have to enjoy the little things in life. Remember what’s important, those experiences you can’t get back, embrace the people around you and build relationships, and frequently, take time to stop and enjoy the view!