Enjoy the View!

I was running on the mixed sand and gravel trail, winding through the rolling sand dunes and forest out towards Little Sable Lighthouse. It was a partly cloudy day, one of those days where you have a brilliant blue sky mixed with gray and white clouds. As I approached the lighthouse, I saw a trailhead on the right leading out into the rugged dune country. I decided to run on this trail for a while, so I banked right and headed out on the Lighthouse Trail. This trail was running up and over dunes, sandy ridges, through mixed grass, shrub and small pine trees. I ran back for about a half mile and ran to the top of what appeared to be the highest dune around.  It was hot back there, and running through the sand up the dune was strenuous and exhilarating at the same time. When I got to the top, I had a 360 degree view of the park, Little Sable Lighthouse was barely visible in the distance, and Lake Michigan was the background. It was a stunning panorama of beauty, and at the top of that dune, I could not hear a sound. There was no wind. I was too far from the shore to hear the waves. There were no animals, bugs, or birds. Silence. Not a soul in sight. It was the first time I had witnessed that type of silence, and quite strange to hear nothing, especially near water in a state park. I stood there for fifteen to twenty minutes taking in the scene, turning around looking at the water, then the forest in the distance on the other side of me, thinking how beautiful it was out there and still could not believe the silence. I felt like I could literally hear my heartbeat, the air move in and out of my lungs.  It was hot out there in the sand away from the water, I was sweating and out of breath from my run and the dune climb. But I felt awesome! And I had never felt more alive!

My mind flashed back to December 20, 1998… A day that was one of those life-defining, character building events of your life.

Kristy and I were heading back to the Detroit area after spending the weekend at Mom and Dad's in Ohio. We were going to Eastern Michigan at the time. It was a cold, overcast day, and the temperature hovering right around freezing with a slight drizzle in the air. We were driving north on US-127 near Jackson, MI heading to I-94 to make the swing over to Ann Arbor-Ypsilanti. The roads had been in fine condition the entire trip up to this point, and we had about an hour left in our trip. We had just reached the point where US-127 turns into freeway as you are entering Jackson, so I was going about 70mph in my small Ford Ranger pickup. Kristy was relaxed in the seat, taking a nap. At the time, the roads seemed fine, traffic was moving, and I was just enjoying the drive, listening to the radio.

As I drove over the Page Avenue overpass, something didn't feel right. Before I could think, the back end of my pickup started to slide out from behind me to the right, then pulling out of that skid, the truck began to slide to the left. As we hit the inside guardrail of the bridge on the driver side front fender, the airbag deployed slapping me in the face, and pinning me into the seat and headrest. The impact then caused the backend to slide out again to the right. This time as the truck was sliding across the bridge, we must have hit dry pavement, a bump, or something that caused the truck to go airborne. At this point, I remember tumbling in mid-air, not touching the ground until the truck landed on the driver side, slid, and then flipped over on our wheels in the grassy median, parallel to the road and away from the bridge. It sounds cliché, but time was in slow motion as we were tumbling, and I remember every detail. I remember thinking, "this isn't good, and told Kristy to hold on...", but one thing I will never forget was an eerie calmness throughout the whole thing. I can remember it as if it were yesterday.  When we came to rest, I saw smoke coming from the steering wheel, a deflated airbag on my lap, and a bewildered look on Kristy's face. I had pushed the mangled door open and was over to the other side getting Kristy out before she had any time to react. We got out of the truck, saw our clothes, bags, a tray of cookies and other goodies Mom had given us scattered throughout the vehicle and the median. In surveying the scene, it is truly amazing we came down where we did, rather than off the bridge to the road below, or down the steep embankment on the other side. A car with another young couple stopped to help, thinking they would see horrible injuries or worse, only to find us shaken, and untouched, except for some bruises and aches that would show up in the days following. They let us sit in their car, use their cellphone, and took care of us until help arrived. Black ice was forming all over the highway, and we witnessed numerous other close calls out there while waiting for the police, but none like what we had just been through. 

Ten years prior to our accident, my brother Jay passed away in a car accident in California in 1988. Unfortunately, when my brother died, I was only 11 and really never got to know him that well. I've not told this story to many, but that day of our accident, we stopped by the cemetery in Pioneer to see Jay before we headed up to Michigan. It was something I didn't normally do, and as a matter of fact I had never stopped to see him on my own prior to that day. But on that day, I felt the need to stop with Kristy to see him, as since we had really just started dating, I wanted to share that part of my life and family. I simply felt the need, so we stopped there on a whim before we headed out of town, and I said a prayer for my brother. When we were flipping through the air an hour or so later, I experienced a feeling that I cannot explain adequately with words – one of extreme fear and utter helplessness knowing that the truck was totally out of my control and thinking that this was it. We were flipping in a pickup truck on an overpass at 70 mph. That’s not good odds. But at the same time, I also had an intense, warm feeling of calm and something telling me, “Everything will be all right. Don’t worry, Joe. Everything will be OK.” I truly felt that we were being guided to safety.

A few years our accident, my other brother Steve and his family were in an accident not far from Mom and Dad’s. Steve was banged up, the kids shaken, and my sister-in-law Candy was seriously injured and paralyzed as a result, changing her life, my brothers, and their two kids lives forever. Three sons. Three different accidents. Three different results. It must have been a nightmare those three times over years for Mom and Dad, as now having a son, I can appreciate the love you have for a child.

Back to the top of that dune, overlooking the lake, I was thinking about these experiences, these defining moments in my life when something happened without notice – an accident where we should have not walked away, lives changed in an instant, a life lost in a second– with no warning, no explanation. What was the reason for all this? Why do things like this happen?  What can we learn from thee events?

You don’t know the moment when things happen in your life, when you hit those patches of black ice, the unforeseen events that can change your life in an instant, or when you or someone close to you may be gone. You can make plans, and think you have things under control, think you know it all, and that you have it all figured out. You can build wealth, have all the material things of this world, live a fast paced life, and take your loved ones for granted. Life gets so fast; you drive by at 70 mph, and in the blink of an eye, things can change and be gone.

It’s about the little things. Playing ball out in the backyard with your child, the leaves changing in the fall, the bonfire with neighbors out in the cul-de-sac on a crisp night.  Lightning bugs in the summer. Building relationships with people, spending every moment you can with your family and friends. Those early morning conversations with your son, those teaching moments…  And those walks on the beach with your wife, sitting down to enjoy the sunset with a bottle of wine. An event can be life-changing, but a single event does not define you. It’s the little things that define you, the little things that make you who you are, the little things that make the difference. It’s how you live your life when no-ones watching, taking time to embrace the people and the things around you.

Standing upon that dune, looking out at Lake Michigan - thinking about these memories, these life-changing events, my family. The bad things that happen in your life are also those events that build your character, your strength, and your faith and love in others. Those storm clouds that appear in your life truly do have silver linings, with brilliant blue sky behind them and calm waters on the horizon. And the beacon of light in the distance will always be there, guiding you to safety. In the silence, looking at the brilliant clouds and blue sky, that great lake on the horizon, and the lighthouse in view, I heard the most important lesson.

You don’t know when it will end. You have to enjoy the little things in life. Remember what’s important, those experiences you can’t get back, embrace the people around you and build relationships, and frequently, take time to stop and enjoy the view!

That Man is You!

I post a lot on social media about Joseph, and things that he does and says, and how he’s grown.  He is truly my pride and joy! A few years ago, I was one of those people saying, “man, more kid pictures and stories? Can’t these people talk about something else?”  It’s amazing how having a child gives you a new perspective on things, or better focuses your perspective. And, that’s what growing through life is about – Perspective. One thing I’ve learned is that as you move through life – you go to college, get a real job, get married, buy that first house, and have a child, your priorities change, as does your perspective on life. You have a kid and you start to think differently. It’s not all about you. You get extremely excited when he rolls over for the first time, when he hits that ball to the outfield, or when he finally rides that bike without training wheels. And you think about your mortality more – you don’t take as many risks, you think more about the future and providing for your family. You think about the person that you want your child to grow into. Raising him is the single most important thing Kristy and I will ever do. The actions we take and the decisions we make in these years will affect generations to come. Generations. Think about that.

One of the things I see with Joseph more and more every day is how much he wants to be like me. He wants to dress like I dress, watch what I watch, say the things that I say, and do what I do. While Kristy holds a special place in his heart and will always be his mother and share a special bond with him that I cannot even imagine, I see now that I will directly shape the man that Joseph is to become.  He watches me constantly, and because of that, it makes me strive to be a better man and be that positive example. And quite frankly, that scares the hell out of me a bit because I am by no means perfect.  In seeing how sons idolize their fathers, it pains me to see so many out in the world with with poor male leadership in their lives. And through this process of sculpting Joseph to be a good person and to think about others, he has in turn made me want to become a better man as a result, and has made me think about things from a new perspective and get out of my comfort zone and do some things I don't want to do or that I am not comfortable with. And thats a good thing.  I want to become better, so that I can better others, most importantly my son.  I realized this year that I have a lot to improve on in order to accomplish this, so I have focused on bettering myself - personally, professionally, and spiritually.

And wouldn’t you know it, last week, my church launched the new program “That Man is You”, which is focused on making better fathers, husbands, and leaders of men to address the problem of failed male leadership in our society, whether it be in the home, in the business world, or out in the community. It runs every Friday from 5:45am to 7:30am, and we had our second meeting today. It has been worth getting up that early to be with positive, Catholic men, that have the same challenges, fears, and questions that I do. With it being conducted via the church, there is obviously a Christian foundation to the program. But in looking at the program’s premise, what we are talking about is true and relevant regardless of whether you are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, or Atheist… You get my point.  We’re talking about right vs. wrong and listening to your conscience and abiding by moral values, and being a responsible man for your family and society. All kinds of statistics show that the moral fabric of our society has broken down over the course of the last 50 years. You can skew these stats any way you want, but a central issue is that people feel they have the right to do whatever they want without any consequences. And, you can specifically trace a lot of this to the failure of male leadership in the family and society. I’m not just talking about fathers who are not physically there, but men who are not the leaders they should be and setting the example they should be. This is not just as fathers in the household, but also perhaps as important, as business and community leaders. Some of our most powerful business and political leaders are some of the worst when it comes to moral values, and these are the mentors and role models for our young men coming out of high school/college.  I’ve learned already there are a lot of aspects to look at here, and many places for all men to improve, especially myself - whether it’s in the home as fathers and husbands, in the workplace as employees or business leaders. I’ve been fortunate to be around some great men, and some not so great men.  We all have the capability to lead, to be servant leaders and great examples for our youth; we just need to realize that potential. In today’s world – the challenges are great, with technology, social media, TV/movies and the resulting lack of personal interaction and communication all contributing. But the men of this country need to step back, and take a look at themselves from a different perspective, be a man and lead by example.

Over the next several months, I’m going to try to do just that, and blog about these topics and many more, and my experiences along the way focusing on what I learn from this program so that I can share it with others and get you thinking. My hope is that people, specifically the men reading this can maybe think about how they act, what they contribute to society, and the examples they set. I’ve realized I’ve simply just existed up to this point in my life, benefiting from the opportunities I’ve been given.  It’s not good enough to just exist. You have to DO, and contribute to the community and society to make a difference and to set a proper example. At the very least, this will serve as a journal that Joseph can read one day and a means for me to help mold Joseph and his peers into the men that the world drastically needs them to be, and to become the man the world needs me to be.

12 Years and It's Still Real...

I've had a lot of thoughts lately too big for Facebook, so I figured it was time to renew my blog from a few years ago.  And today seems like the right day for my first post as I have a lot going through my mind. 

12 years ago I remember sitting at my desk hearing about the attacks and then following the news on CNN.com until the website went dow… I remember driving home in the afternoon, listening to the news, people wondering whether or not there were more planes out there and what would happen next. I remember that concern Kristy and I felt when we rushed out to the street after we heard a large boom overhead that rattled our windows and shook the house, and seeing what looked like white smoke in the sky thinking that something had been shot down. It turned out to be a fighter jet from Wright-Patt AFB that broke the sound barrier causing a sonic boom - but the terror and confusion of the day is something I will never forget. However, as real as it seemed then, it seems even more real now, as in the last couple years, the reality of that event has been etched into my mind even more. 

Last year, on our way to NJ for a wedding, we stopped by the Flight 93 Memorial in PA. Seeing the field near Shanksville where Flight 93 crashed knowing that courageous Americans sacrificed their lives for countless others was special and somber in the same moment. And then trying to explain what happened to a 4 yr old who was asking unbelievably good questions, and why we were there was especially challenging. He's to the point, even then, that he knows there are bad people in this world, and to this day he still asks about going back to the place where the plane crashed. As a member of the generation who was not even born that day and did not witness the events unfolding real-time in person or on TV, to him, it will be an event that occurred in the history books, much like Pearl Harbor. However he'll likely see the war continue on for many years to come. 

And then frequently in the last couple years, I spent a lot of time traveling to D.C., flying right over the Pentagon on our approach in and out of Reagan National. Looking down on the Pentagon where the airplane crashed, and the adjacent memorial with its 184 benches, and thinking about the people who died and the terror they must have felt when they were simply traveling for business just like I was doing, was very surreal. You think about how people can do that to other people, and what you would do in that situation. But then, all I had to do was look the other way and you see the US Capitol Building, the National Mall and all the monuments and memorials and the greatness of our democracy. And in that likeness, you realize that in one instant, you can see death and destruction and in the next instant, you turn your head and see the greatest this country and the American people have to offer, and that freedom and the goodness of people will ultimately prevail.  We saw that in NY, DC, Shanksville, and most recently Boston, and it's that hope that needs to get us through this pivotal time in history.